I had an interesting conversation with my cousin. We are very close, practically brother and sister - might as well be! I know that I can have these sorts of conversations with him and I know he won't judge me for any answer I give. I'm sure a few people might have thought about it, and L and I have certainly had the conversation. His question was, how would you live in your new house if Holly doesn't make it, will you want to live there? Its a tough one that I guess I won't truly know until I'm in that situation. But, L and I have had that conversation. Some of me wants to stay in this house until she does leave us and just leave this house behind and make a fresh start in a new house. But I don't want to live like that, I don't want to live like she is going to die. We need to move on.We were talking about painting her room. I'd love to paint it a nice soft pink (my fiends will laugh at that - the poor girl doesn't get out of pink, let alone have a pink room!!). But anyway, a nice soft pink, but what if she does die? What happens then, we've got a pink room? I know its only paint and it can be painted over, but I don't want to imagine the day that I have to paint out her room. What sort of emotions I'll have on the day I have to clean out and paint her room. So then L and I thought maybe just keep it neutral, like this house is. But then I don't want her to not have a pretty room. Its hard, half of me wants to paint it and half of me doesn't. L and I talked though and just like I said to my cousin, I certainly don't want to live like she is going to die.
I say that but it almost feels hypocritical. I am living like she is going to die. We are packing up and moving closer to my family for the support we are going to need for one thing, and another, I don't want to go back to work just in case. Its a strange strange situation we are in. I think I mean to write I don't want to put my life on hold waiting for it to happen - I think maybe that's a better statement. We are living like she is going to die because we are savouring absolutely every single minute she is alive. She amazes me every day, and every time I get one of her little half smiles I smile for about an hour and I give her extra big hugs and kisses. She really is THE most precious beautiful little creature I have ever laid my eyes on!
Oh and also - I just want to thank the people who have been in contact with me over the last week or so - there have been four people contact me or talk to me in regards to this blog. I am really touched that you are reading it, and I thank you for your support and the time you've taken to contact me about it. Its nice to know that people care about Holly and how she is going. So thanks!
Firstly, I have to say how much I adore that black and white photo of Holly. It makes me smile every time I look at it. She is so beautiful.
ReplyDeleteI admire you so much Prue. I have absolutely no idea what is must be like for you, living with the knowledge that one day your precious Holly will die. I admire you for not putting your life on hold - I'd like to think that if I was in your position I'd be able to do the same.
xoxo
I found that for Noah's first 12 -18 months all I could think about was that he was going to die and I couldn't think about the future much without crying. Now I find I hardly ever think about that and just plan life like Noah is always going to be with us. It's kind of like we're living in denial but after 9 years you can't imagine him not being around. I know one day he won't be, but I believe that if we lived our life every day waiting for them to die then we wouldn't enjoy our life with them, while we have them.
ReplyDeleteIt gets easier as they get older to not think about it and having more kids also has helped us too. It's so hard. I know :)