I want to come on and just blurt out about how bad I'm feeling, I've had a bad few days, very very tough. But I'm going to start with some positives cause I don't want to complain all the time.
L had a great party. There was about 40 odd people here at one stage or another throughout the day. He got a great surprise when he realised that I had ordered a heap of helium balloons. I'd gotten 50 black and white ones, some big soccer ball ones and a big "3" and a big "0". The place looked great. I waaay over catered - very typical of me! I ordered party pies and sausage rolls from the bakery, I had made some gluten free mini frittatas for my dad and sister, I had bought cocktail franks, my mum made some prunes in bacon and a friend had made some mini quiches. On top of all that we had a friend of the family who is a butcher do some meat in the smokehouse for us so we had meat in bread rolls with coleslaw. And, cake for dessert. It was a lot of food for 40 people! I got the feeling that everyone had eaten enough cause it kept coming out, but the next day when I checked the stocks, hardly anything was eaten. Now I feel bad that I should have put out more food. There was heaps left over, L and I are still eating birthday cake!
I got him a watch - I'm not sure if I wrote that in another post or not. Its a nice dress watch. He got other things like a jacket, some cuff links, a good mag torch and heaps of bunnings vouchers and cash. He is going to put the cash and vouchers together and buy a new BBQ for the new house.
Oh, I don't know if I mentioned also about the new house - I think I did. We went unconditional today so its all official. We own a new house. God I am really really looking forward to being closer to home. Some days I just feel so isolated.
L and I had a fight yesterday. Not a massive walk out one, but a massive disagreement. Sometimes I just don't think he understands where I come from. There are people in our lives who we just have to deal with and at times I just don't want to deal with them. I don't think he understands that these people have hurt me very badly in the past, I am really not as forgiving as him - I know that sounds like I'm a mean and nasty person, but I just find it so hard to forgive what they have done to us. When I have tried to confront them in the past they have dismissed my feelings, I can clearly remember them saying that I was being silly for feeling the way that I was. So when I talk to L about how I'm feeling about them at the moment, he tells me I should tell them. I'm trying to understand why he doesn't understand why I don't want to go ahead and tell these people about my feelings again! And things get totally constrewed out of whack. I say one thing and I feel that I'm pretty clear in my wording and objective, but clearly I haven't been because I'm either not listened to or my sentiments are ignored. I just feel like I'm banging my head against a brick wall. I get so worked up, so tense, so anxious, so frustrated, so annoyed and I don't think L really understands why. L and I have got such a close relationship, throughout everything to do with Holly we've been able to tell each other anything, talk about anything, but I don't don't feel listened to about this.
I have been diagnosed in the past with social anxiety and basically it is that I spend most of my time thinking about what other people are thinking about. I get worried that people think bad things of me. I stress out about whether I do or say the right thing, whether I have upset or annoyed anyone. I worry about little things a lot. L tells me I shouldn't let things get to me so bad, but I can't help it sometimes.
Just one example is about how I reacted about me not going back to mothers group. I continued to go to mothers group cause I was worried about what other people would think of me if I quit. Then after I decided I really didn't want to go, I went for one last time cause I was worried about what the other mothers were going to think if I just left and didn't tell them why. But I don't have the courage to be able to talk to people, so I didn't say anything about why I was leaving I just left. Then for the next week I was totally stressed out of my head about what the mothers were going to think of me. I had written out a letter that I wanted the lady who ran the group to read out to the mums. I didn't get the letter to the lady, but I spoke to her and gave her pretty strict instructions about what to say to these ladies about me not coming back. I was so concerned that they would think I wasn't going because of them, I thought they'd all think I was a bitch or a snob. I didn't want them to talk about me behind my back.
I think I might have just had a mini-revelation with that statement. People talking about me behind my back. I think that's one of the key things that I stress about. And like I said in my last post about being a circus show. I feel like people are talking about "there is Prue and the disabled child". It totally stresses me out. I don't want to be 'different' sometimes, I just want a normal existence.
I get so worked up with my social anxiety, I worry so much about not offending people and not wanting people to think I'm a bad person, I don't tell people how I'm feeling. L and I were kind of laughing a bit about it last night. I'm trying too hard to make everyone like me, but in doing so I'm upsetting people and I'm not happy. Sometimes I just wish my brain would stop.
I think I'm also feeling quite housebound and totally tied to Holly. The weather has been totally crap the last couple of days so I haven't wanted to take Holly out in the weather, which means just being at home. Holly has been in a reasonable mood, but only because she is being held every second of the day. As soon as she grumbles she is getting picked up cause I don't have anything else to do. I'm just creating a rod for my own back by doing it, but I just go and get her if she starts grumbling cause I'm only just on the computer or watching telly, bored. I wonder if she was 'normal' if I would be so bored, maybe if she was 'normal' she'd be starting to crawl about and roll over and she'd need a lot more actual looking after. She just sits in her chair or in her little room or on my lap. In some ways I like being busy with appointments, even though I get so tired. At least I'm doing something. L used to call me being housebound my 'holiday head' cause whenever I was on school holidays I'd go crazy sitting at home. I can handle it for a couple of days but then I go crazy. I miss adult interaction. I get some, but all it is is doctors talking about what is wrong with Holly, its not actual conversations with actual people. I'm lonely. L hasn't been much help. Last night the fight started cause he came home and sat in the driveway for 20 minutes on the phone. It drives me nuts. Why can't I get to talk to someone in peace, by myself on the phone to someone? I felt like he was totally neglecting what either Holly or I needed, he was just going to sit there and do what he wanted. It didn't help that we were woken up by someone from his work at 6:35am. Who rings at 6:35am? Its not the first time its happened either - not at that time, but they've rung the home phone number looking for L at work. I don't know if L understands that I don't want him to come home to just help look after Holly, its also to talk to me.
I've had enough complaining. I hate complaining. I feel all sad and down and crap when I complain. I feel like I have a 'woe is me' attitude.
No comments:
Post a Comment