Flat day

Had a bit of a flat day today.
Holly was being very clingy, she wouldn't sit in her chair, constantly wanted to be held so I didn't get anything done that I wanted to.
We watched a movie today. It was really good, the last scene was of a lady giving birth. I was welling up with tears. I wonder when I'll stop feeling ripped off - not about Holly this time though, about the whole experience. It was a day mixed with so many emotions. We didn't get the experience that I thought we would, instead of looking forward to something magical, we were worried about whether she was going to live. We didn't get the nice experience we were hoping for. I still don't feel like I gave birth to her. I know I did, but technically I feel like she was cut out of me. It funny, I really don't feel like I gave birth to her cause I didn't have to go through hours of labour and pain. I just went in and they cut her out. Having had the c-section, I kind of regret it. I wish I had had a natural birth. I know our circumstances were different and they needed to cut her out, but its something else that I just wish I could have done. And from now on if we have more kids the likelyhood of me having a natural birth is somewhat diminished. I spoke to the obstetrician about it not long after she was born - at the 6 week check up actually. He said I could do a natural birth but I'd need to go to a big hospital so that if something went wrong and I started to tear they could just whip me in and do an emergency c-section. I guess we'll just have to cross that bridge when we come to it.
I think that I miss that sense of accomplishment. I'm kind of equating it to climbing Mt Everest. I know that giving birth was going to be the hardest thing I was ever going to do, and the reward at the end was going to be that much more because of the hard work I'd put in in getting there. I feel like I cheated, like I caught a helicopter to the top or something. I still got to the top, and I got my reward, but I cheated getting there. Its just doesn't feel the same - mind you, with the shit pregnancy that I had in comparison to everyone else, I struggled just as hard through that! I'm sure that eventually I'll come to terms with it, its just hard when you see it in the movies and everything is perfect.